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the only other favour maddy does me (besides the ease of distance) is repose to think. i composed an entry entirely in my head. it took me from bedok to bukit timah.
but this is not it.
i loved the ends of tonight. i love our lounging to talk. because talk is intimate. and all our intimacies leave me whole. another paradox. when your departure is supposed to empty me.
i am sorry i kept you so long. i tend to be selfish when we tread on borrowed time. and i am sorry i was bitchy. i refuse to believe you do not see my two modes. wot insult >(
do you know yet that i love you? :-) it is unfortunate though, that it goes beyond me to say exactly how much. all i afford is this. i can see us. in my vision, we're not older.
we are old.
the
exchange that meant more than i might have let on.
i saw that pic of you and fen.
yea? so wot'd you think?
i thought it was sweet. i was thinking to myself, hmmm...
*tilts head to one side and narrows those gorgeous eyes*
that's a side of aNa i've not seen for awhile.
*grins*
i do not remember having thanked you babes. so. thank you.
and you. my closure for you is sound advice - always trust. never possession.
so adieu. your game ends. here. gnite.
thursday february 26th 2308 hours
my last entry was choreographed drivel, but i hope that ten minute timeframes and multi-tasking my hair excuses me enough.
my cough is fullblown now because i refuse to watch my food, my drinks and my nicotine. this morning i spent 15 minutes indecisive about whether my lense was on right, so that i had to continously effect, then extract it from my right eye six times in a row before it finally felt invisible.
i called mama to apologise for having been so rude, and her disappointment spilt over into tears, so that i could hear her voice break. she hopes so badly for her eldest to infuse herself into trajectories of a normalcy. mama, why do you refuse your daughter's exanimation of her own life? while i was growing up you did not ask for my direction(s). so now i'm almost all grown do not expect me to know.
i hate
how things choose to try me in varieties of my exhaustion.
postscript:
trust that the new path you're seeking is right for you.
- nin's the moon, february 25th
0636 hours
i am on the run again. the call came in the midst of my virus, so that i am forced out of bed and into deep ends again. i hate nursing on the job. the lethargy stays but you need to keep running.
mama as usual, is left to deduce all this by herself. she is not happy. she was hoping the jobfair and i would get together some time next week. she wants me on a 9 to 5, so that i would have time for a husband, daily prostations and lots of babies. she truly does not deserve me.
this space might be vacant for a while. but please keep checking in.
excuse me while i kiss the sky.
wednesday february 25th 1101 hours
aNa, this is what the foods you eat say about you:
You sincerely believe that everything around you is beautiful, even though other people may not notice. You are a determined person and set high goals for your life.
You are always wilful and most of the time, you are a stubborn person. But you love to work and are quite honest, which makes you good to get along with as a friend or lover.
You are vigorous yet gentle. You appear to be mysterious to those who don't know you very well because you don't often reveal your feelings. You like to socialize and are popular among your peers.
You are logical, smart and inventive. Sometimes you are too cold and selfish.
http://www.funstun.com/categories/fun/are-what-you-eat/index.cfm
tuesday february 24th 2225 hours
i have been tripping on my own spiritless form the whole day. my nose is sore and lethargy crawls all the way from the base of my neck to the tail of my spine, so that my entire body is supported by the very languidness that cripples my system.
it feels like a physical vacuum that resides at the back of my head, filling with air. it is making me light. it is a paradox. i am bound to the pitfalls of biology, but its intrusive reactions are setting me free. i am tripping lor.
1200 hours
it would seem like shoutbox is down for the moment, much to the dismay of my darling, to whom i reproached for never having exercised much interest in my tagboard. because now that he is trying... it simply would not load.
funky
disco chicken says:
FEDUP!!!!
funky disco chicken says:
i tag jer.. abes dia kata non existance! urgh!
mourn|ng for th|s says:
dwi eh?
funky disco chicken says:
urs la by
mourn|ng for th|s says:
mine??
funky disco chicken says:
abeh nanti kena tegor 'u tak pernah nak tag my board'
mourn|ng for th|s says:
try again lah! >(
funky disco chicken says:
dah 4 kali i try!!!
mourn|ng for th|s says:
ye lah. orang tegur dia tak pernah tag... pas tuh dia tag "hmmmm..."
mourn|ng for th|s says:
sakit siak hati
funky disco chicken says:
i dunno wad to tag
funky disco chicken says:
pasal hari2 bual ngan u kat MSN ngan tepon
mourn|ng for th|s says:
LOL
1014 hours
it's all finally caught up with me. i held on for months on end but it took just one night of some philosophical musing to pour cracks in my wall, so that now i am sniffling and fevered and slightly headachy and really quite uncomfortable. *sighs*
if
you're a fuck-up, illness grants you a temporary license to drop out of life.
miraculously the world stops demanding things - your time, your energy, your
contribution. you are excused. that's fine with me. i'd quite happily be ill
like this for three months every year. three months of reading books, watching
telly, being brought soothing drinks, being made comfortable. illness for fuck-ups,
is a holiday from the horror of a fucked up life.
- glen duncan's hope
i borrowed it off aza some two years back, because i needed to fill my vacuous existence. at the time i was living from one day to the next. i still am actually, but some things are serving to make this journey now very much more bearable :-)
anyway i think that was the last i'd seen of aza, since he lifted his bunk bed and i saw all the books i never knew had actually come to possess him. he was something, that aza. a lot of talk, and a lot of things.
my
imagined first conversation should we meet again
kau macam sial. aku kasi kau buku terus hilang sial...
*lol* sorry tuan... saya tak buat lagi tuan...
monday february 23rd 2131 hours
i surfed into friendster and saw the login set to notorious_pimp85, which is my sister's handle. don't ask me why. she is indecently far from notorious, and further than that from pimping. we both have friendster accounts, but neither are friendster friends to the other. that should sum up the mechanics of our relationship.
there is one half of my sister that is both beyond her years, and hopelessly puerile in the flippance of her righteousness at home. should be little wonder really. she is gemini *coughs*
she washes the dishes and clears our trash. she prays. and she makes a big show of it all. because as she was growing up, i would not let her forget my 5 year headstart (it is the birthright of elder siblings - accidental headstarts entitle us to priority. *lol* confirm kena maki siol!). so now she rubs my fray of morality (domestic and otherwise) in my face.
not that it works. these are trivial. they're banal for fuck's sake. i mean, who the fuck else would rage over dishes? yes. then at the end of the showy tantrum she scribbles "please use your brain and wash the dishes after use!!!" on a flimsy piece of paper to scotch tape to the sink. *lol* wtf? right. that fucking hurts.
1730 hours
i am not a storyteller, but in this moment i have several to tell. so bear with me.
just before i left i had my knapsack on my back, and as i was trying to detach my cheque from all the rest that came along with it, i thought to myself "ok aNa jangan tumpah sua." *lol* tumpah. i had meant to think koyak. jangan koyak sua.
i live along a common corridor with some five other familes. a few weeks ago mama told me that one of the neighbour's kid got himself whisked away by the boys in blue, no doubt for legal joyrides. i was just thinking about it because today as i left my house, i heard his mother k-ok. like she always has.
on the bus looking out i saw a guy on a unicycle waiting for the green man. he was constantly balancing himself, precarious against the traffic. had he lost control, he would've rolled his merry way into some swimming cars, and then i would've been witness. again. and i remember thinking at that time, that if he had attained superlative nirvana, he wouldn't need to try so hard. he could jus perch upon his uni. still. defying newton. having achieved perfect physics.
then this guy came and sat with me on the bus, and his cologne wafted in. it brought me back somewhere familiar. i don't know who. i don't recall j having worn cologne. maybe it was farhan. then as i stood to get off i turned to look at him. cute. on hindsight, very much a sha. *snickers*
girl.
kawan nak mintak nombor ar.
do you know how old i am?
err... 20+?
i'm 24.
orait aper! saya dah 21 aper!
*looks at him* no thanks.
*proceeds to rejoin friends* oi! kakak kakak lah!!
the coolest person indeed.
1045 hours
i am angry at a multitude of different people... some for things they have done, and others for wot was not done. i am getting sick of socially awkward situations. my life should only always revolve around the people i love... not around the vacancies of strangers.
sue miller is the mistress of subtlety, craft that is art in itself.
sunday february 22nd 1800 hours
you can catch some production stills here. i finally remembered to retrieve the url. it took 8 or 9 tries reciting from memory, while i had it in my handphone all along. tricky.
i'd like to apologise to nin and zura, for having been unable to absorb both the old skool beats, and the "eh pls eh nih bukan techno ah beng tau". my pockets are well and truly burnt, and getting myself cross-country last night was a penny-pinching, skin-of-the-teeth budgeting labour of wanton love.
baby, i am missing you very, very terribly...
0945 hours
disclaimer:
i reserve the rights to contents of this entry as only my personal thoughts
and projections. if you have a problem, you can fuck off.
no lah. feel free to dissent. really. :-)
i loved it, reposing with you, debating with you, listening, talking, sharing. last night was that half of us so long overwhelmed by the daily grind, that its re-emergence was the soft, sweet touch of long forgotten friends.
there is something i would like you to know that i hadn't told you then on that bench, because it would've been too cheesy. it would've looked like the impassioned lover trying to imply the ramifications of both their karmas having met, then fashioned against each other.
i wanted you to know that i saw your bigger picture of Him, and all your philosophies of His actions because they have also always been my pictures and philosophies.
some atheists deny the existence of omniscience because they cannot fathom a god who would create, only to induce destruction and misery.
in Son of the Circus, Irving observes (projected through the form of the midget clown Vinod) that Shiva being God of Destruction, mechanically becomes God of Change, because destruction in itself alters form. it eliminates permanence. the basics of Hinduism propose that the change, renewal, rebirth, reconstruction of anything is only possible with destruction of predecessors.
with existence of elements as natural as the births of ideas, of thought and philosophy, and tangible matter like concrete, all of material, births of the literal sense... so must the destruction of all that come before. it is accomodation. it can be liberation. and it is the bigger picture.
it is this bigger picture that paints the depth of His wisdom and the strengths of His belief. i do not think that our submission to the skeptic's "pseudo entity" is one-way traffic, because He trusts that we etch our own paths, and that it will lead back to Him. and in all trust there is a submission.
"change?"
farrokh asked. "i thought Shiva was the destroyer - the God of Destruction."
"why is everyone saying this?" the dwarf exclaimed. "all creation
is being cyclic - there is no finality. i am liking it better to think of Shiva
as God of Change. sometimes, death is a change too."
"i see," dr daruwalla replied. "that's a positive way of looking
at it."
- a son of the circus, john irving
do
you love me?
yes.
why?
because you loved me first.
then that means you're obligated to love me.
no... that means i was reacting to you.
well all obligations are reactions.
but not all reactions are obligations.
*pauses in reflection*
see! haha! your girlfriend is so smart, you can't outsmart her.
i know. that's why i love her. *smile*
ok
ok let's start with this - God is great, yes? *proceeds to fart*
hello!! that was blasphemy lor!!
*grins*
well
i think that girls who achieve orgasms do so because they don't get PMS.
oh! so they don't get PMS but they get orgasms! gee, thanks lor!
hahahaha!
saturday february 21st 1302 hours
mama is simply not interested anymore. she is obsessed. the clusters of ideas that swim in her head cloud her judgement, so that she is no longer very rational as much as she is bothered. fussed. flustered. fretful.
and all her redundant, banal worrying is rubbing off on me. in all the wrong ways. so that i've started being edgy with her all over again. oh mama... you left me alone as a child in all the times i needed you, but you've chosen to engulf me only now that i'm almost independent of your love. i love you, and you're sweet. but i'm sorry it's stifling.
postscript: it would seem like nin's concept of open honesty is infusing through my pores. thanks lor.
0303
hours
i got this off erda's and i simply had to have it here.
Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting them not
to. Agree?
- erda,
friday february 20th
agreed. :-)
been meaning to initiate her into my posse of expositions but i keep forgetting. now that i am reminded, she is initiated.
i've also been meaning to lift this off ridj's since the first time i read it. it is hilarious to me, because in a private circle of sorts, the yellow pages is a personal joke. no, of course i lied. yellow spandex. that's the real joke. *LOL* *snicker*
i'm
sure you must have seen the yellow pages ad with all the men wearing yellow
latex suits and running around doing some funny shite. hahaha.. i think the
ad agency that came up with this idea must have outdone themselves this time
around. this is some seriously funny shite. my workplace has a yellow pages
calendar where each month has one of these yellow-suited guys smiling right
back at you. i'm just thinking that i would never be caught dead in one of those
yellow suits. it has a way of highlighting all the lovehandles and extra dough
you have stashed under your baggy clothes. heh.
- http://www.ridjal.org/
0142 hours
the
tantric trio 7-step beach guide
1. arrange to meet: 10am
2. arrange to WAKE each other: 10am (arrival for noon)
3. wake up: 10.30am
4. lounge around.
5. re-arrange to meet: 1.30pm
6. promises of punctuality, emphasis: 2pm latest
7. final arrival: 2.30pm
gee. thanks lor.
most common
tantric trio question in communal showers:
have you got a comb?
[11:58:59
AM] GoNE MeNtaL: hahaha.. siow siow siow.. orh i wrote a
super long entry of what we said yesterday.. penat lah
sial
[11:59:21 AM] mourn|ng for: LOL
[11:59:35 AM] mourn|ng for: eh very good. kita nih feeling yaya
sisterhood kepe. all writing abt each other
[11:59:59 AM] GoNE MeNtaL: yaya sisterhood hahaha
*watching
full fledged adult: female, struggling to cycle*
ok i'm trying not to laugh.
me too.
it makes me wonder bout people only learning to cycle. i mean... so wot did
they do in childhood?
*in high
brow Latvian/Czechoslovakian/Bosolovakian/Zja Zja Gabor/Octopussy*
i thrrrrrrimmm mah pew-bes darrrhlinkkk...
*chirpily*
i like stubbly pubes!
that is SO going into my blog lor!
mmMMmm...
dia macam yummy kan? that's one young boy i'd like to ****
wot? like y(uh)-bilf?
sha picked a random book off mimi's. it's a compilation of one man's philosophies in writing, material and lectures. i reckon that some "fundamentalist" circles have potential to denounce and brand it blasphemy. they probably already have.
to
inquire and to learn is the function of the mind. by learning i do not mean
the mere cultivation of memory or the accumulation of knowledge, but the capacity
to think clearly and sanely without illusion, to start from facts and not from
beliefs or ideals... learning implies the love of understanding and the love
of doing a thing for itself. learning is possible only when there is no coercion
of any kind.
~ j krishnamurti, on when learning is possible
friday february 20th 1046 hours
i used to hold it in my sleep. i've learnt to associate its material with warm comfort. but lying in bed last night missing all the people like i did, you made me hate you. because in riposte to your actions you made me push it away in spite. to spite you.
mama's invented a whole new set of ideas now, with some help from cik nana. my only hope, as always, would be to ride it out, until the time comes when she conveniently forgets. or decides it does not go anywhere with me.
nin went quite mad. she sprinkled her lj with sporadic entries minutes apart from each other. *lol* she's so cute in her own haphazard way. and now she's gone and dedicated an entire entry to me. sweetheart, i'm constantly talking to myself too. i do it both to escape the flaccidity of day, and to embrace solitaries of night. so while your monologues serve to keep you plenarily grounded, mine are serving me lapses from reality. isn't it little wonder then how i profess my delusion?
then there's this place. reserves to keep most my sanity as i sit in languid form day in, day out. thank you, luv. :-)
do
you know how to link people?
where do you want to put your links? at the buddha?
buddha? wot buddha?
aiyah that graphic on your right side lah
that's not BUDDHA that's JANIS JOPLIN!
*LOL*
oh well close nuff. janis almost reached enlightenment!
baby, wot is this pining for you that continues to this day?
thursday february 18th 0938 hours
nin how do you do it? how do you compell yourself your painful frankness with trains of faithful readers? i could never do it. explains all my jargons and catch phrases and wot not.
i don't sleep much these days. it is mystifying. i am not contracted to force myself awake every morning, nor sleep so late each night. and yet i do these days. NOT me in slackersville. not at all.
nin, depression IS a deadly virus, and our island IS drowning in it. it just would not admit. two thirds of the developed world's populace is depressed and they don't even know it. they carry on with their sordid lives continously wondering why they're almost always unhappy.
which brings us back to that question of that night.
wot
is happiness to you?
happiness is when you're in a moment that you so don't want to end. happiness
is swimming in that moment.
and as sha said that, my thoughts reverberated to you luv, and that night of first kisses. because we could not stop. i could not stop. because i was falling into you. and your breath to me were blankets from the cold air, and oxygen in that 6th layer of stratosphere into which you were bringing me. high up into heaven.
so
empty of me to be so full of you...
- velvet rope, janet jackson
i am reading an emily barr's debut, and since she was by popular definition, a "backpacker", and her writing was about her female antagonist who flies into asia on a whim, so her novel is aptly called "backpack". hmmm.
i hated tansy. and i blamed barr for having ever had the gall to invent her. but she's turning out really quite nicely. i'm halfway through (i started yesterday on the train). should finish in 2 hours.
you
had your trip defined entirely in terms of wot you were leaving behind.
- backpack, emily barr
my
luv's accidental wit
[01:30:04 PM] overhauL: oh hey this was the clip they were talking abt
in the papers a few days ago
[01:30:13 PM] LSD - Love +: yerps
[01:30:15 PM] overhauL: i like her tit. why cant mine look like that
:-/
[01:30:25 PM] LSD - Love +: janet boopslip
[01:30:34 PM] LSD - Love +: urs is perfect sayang..
[01:30:47 PM] LSD - Love +: perfect to me.. unless u wann other ppl to
see it too la
[01:31:25 PM] overhauL: i dont like them :P
[01:31:38 PM] LSD - Love +: then gimme lor
[01:31:41 PM] LSD - Love +: i keep
[01:31:45 PM] LSD - Love +: u can go boopless
[01:32:00 PM] overhauL: by... i'm ALMOST boobless anyway. doesnt make
a diff
[01:32:08 PM] overhauL detaches her tits and hands em to you
[01:32:20 PM] LSD - Love + keeps em in the pocket..
[01:32:30 PM] LSD - Love +: ouh my.. see the buldges in my pants?
[01:32:45 PM] overhauL: LOL
wednesday february 17th 0142 hours
Mastercard moments at nin's
on
UTI and sex
but seriously, they say drink lots before, during and after.
oh, really?
i meant water.
shites.
oh. right.
on
fwenchie
yes so i was looking at his fingers and going "*shriek* i swear you
have the fattest fingers..!" and he was saying "i know. aNa calls
me chubnubs" and i told him "well little wonder there now init?!"
on
critical thinking and the deeper psyche of directors
ok ok look! it's a two-way mirror. which suggests two sides to every story!
you and your metaphors.
i got it from jamal.
ok
WHY is she wearing those glasses as if they would make a very big difference?
well you see all this while she's never had them on... and now that she's in
pursuit of the truth, she's starting to see things in a clearer perspective!
hence the glasses!!
*stares blankly at sha*
jamal would be so proud of me! *beams*
dammit
why is she doing that? all the subtleties are lost!
director suruh.
eh fuck why is she so clumsy??
i know i know it just gets to you doesn't it?!
director suruh.
eh ok she CANNOT carry this scene.
just watch, people!!!
1. *sha
stretches leg and proceeds to spill drink*
2. *insert various profanities and countless apologies*
3. *insert in high brow Soho accent "babes would it be too much to
ask if you could pass the drink? you ok with that yea?" every 15 minutes
or so*
on
technology and its plenary screwups
wot?? wot?? wot did she say?
*proceeds to push the volume up, which invariably changes the channel*
argh!! acks!!
ok ok ruh-lax people this is a VCD. you can REWIND it?
*sha proceeds to rewind*
ah. sha's redeeming herself after the drink.
oh shuttup.
erda, thank you for your kind hospitality. i sent word along with fred as we took our leave, but i'm guessing everyone must have been too wasted. and special mention to pheebz - thank you gurl :-)
oh
shite wot's she doing here.
wot? that's your ex?
yea. very old ex tho.
HA-HA!
i told
you that we kissed before right?
yes you did by. you kissed him and i kissed... uhm
yes and i kissed him and... you kissed uh..
ok let's not go there!
wow.
*trilogy of friends proceed to ponder over trilogy of friendship*
*fred
catches on to something he should not have*
ahah! i saw thaaaaat! you had better give it to her or you're not getting any!
she's that cruel.
i am not!
oh yes you are. sorry ah fen... but she is.
am not!!
yes you are! *gives the look*
*pauses in muted reflection* i said that to you?
then.
when??
*pauses for effect, then proceeds to shift focus* fen, sorry ah fen... but she's
really that cruel.
erk *proceeds to sip drink*
baby, you've brought me back to that place. thank you. :-) i luv you, gnites~
monday february 16th 1634 hours
look where 48 hours with an orite vc 3110 has brought me. i am gripped in digital paroxysms. i am going to get me one of these.
i
think too much, and ninety-nine point nine percent of men don't want to get
involved with a woman who thinks too much. i can even remember my dreams and
write them down.
- Coco, Shanghai Baby
sunday february 15th
we got trigger happy at the cousin's expense. and i've fallen in love. *siGh*
friday february 13th
across
the universe
the beatles
words
are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup
they slither while they pass
they slip away across the universe
pools of sorrow, waves of joy
are drifting through my open mind
possessing and caressing me
jai guru de va om
nothing's gonna change my world...
images
of broken light which stands before me
like a million eyes they call me
on and on across the universe
thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a litter box
they tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe
jai guru de va om
nothing's gonna change my world...
songs
of laughter, shades of earth
are ringing through my open ears
inciting and inviting me
limitless undying love which shines around me
like a million songs and calls me
on and on across the universe
jai guru de va om
nothing's gonna change my world...
0907 hours
i am surrounded by vacuum, and i crawl around its walls. my heart is not at peace. i used to think you needed saving.
but tis i in need of saving now.
0101 hours
ouh. friday 13th. quaint. :-)
i had respect for you as fellow woman. i handed you all the benefits of my doubt. but where was respect for yourself and for others? you brand yourself labels to eleviate some illusioned social standing you believe you hold amongst people who know not any better. but now that i do, i am appalled. all your actions were contemptible, and so utterly, supremely empty. they went beyond juvenile. i can think of no child who can scheme for mechanics of things such as you. they were not achievements. your attitude, your demeanour, your entire approach to life is a shameless denial of your moral trenches. how do you do it? how do you hold all of your dignity in one palm of your hand only to carelessly toss away, and after all that, still have the gall to impersonate its presence? no. the biggest reason you don your depraved mask is for assuage in the mirror, because God only knows the biggest customer in your syndicate of lies
is yourself.
i feel so cheated. to think i spared you.
thursday february 12th 1819 hours
the
schoolgrounds' artful dodger (and don't i know it)
alright... don't sound so frazzled ok?
okay..
okay i love you bye
*mumble* *mumble* you too...
*pause* hah! BYE!
*laughs* wot??
0302 hours
difficult daughters took me through stereotypical indian journeys, but i was still surprised. only because my knowledge of indian social codes is paltry, and political history is truly n.i.l. (even though in my first year i was assigned to justify a summary from its independence to date. i flunk because i handed in a collage of newspaper clippings from the stamford road archives of all that had remotely anything to do with india, hastily compiled the day before, in true slacker fashion. the only thing i remember is vaj payee. wot was he, prime minister? imagine that. little wonder.)
i digress. i shan't spoil it for sha who's only gone as far as page 43 (folded ear... argh! >( ) only that kapur spun gorgeous back-stories of duty, family loyalty, female oppression, perceived societal conventions and strained relations. she skimmed surfaces of the british occupation, the war with germany and towards the end, an almost narration of the then inevitable conclusion to mounting hindu-muslim tensions. the political latters were so evenly paced, and sometimes narrated with a certain detachment, that you really do feel loss - a wretched proportion of that half a million lives.
unfortunately her epilogue read rushed through, like she was sick of the bloody family and needed to finish them off in ten minutes, so that when you turn the last page over to the next few (to make sure there wasn't anything left) you feel spited.
accidental
prose. for you :-*
lament
luv, you can't imagine wot it was like
needing to pry myself away,
when i was filled with pining for you
for the entireties of the day.
when will it come to be,
that this will not be necessity
anymore?
how i rue these 40 kliks >P
wednesday february 11th 1616 hours
i cried. because there was so much of you that was in this.
you must have felt so alone in those last few hours, a tragic irony when you are wot i hold most dear on this earth, when your face is the constant shadow in my mind. - XIV, difficult daughters
0039 hours
ooohhhh
shite... i sent it to him...
sent wot to who?
i smsed hanie to tell her not to tell fai about his digi...
and?
and i sent it to fai!!! i can just imagine his reply... "tell me... wot?"
*girl clutches handphone to forehead in gesture of superlative prostration as
girlfriend bursts into sprites of guffaws*
damn... why do these things always seem to happen to you and K?
i don't knowwwww... she's infected me for quite awhile now...
aiyah babes... it's prolly the kallang syndrome...
oh fuck you...
akhakhahkakhahka!!!
babes i'm really sorry about Wei Hui... i'll bring it down special for you very very soon. btw... Difficult Daughter's been two thumbs up so far *grins, blends into wall... and giggles*
conversations
with fai
hi.. i'm sorry i didn't catch your name..
oh it's zura.
oh hey, that makes two zuras that we know!
no lah... it's three. remember ZURA *grins at fai all-knowingly*
eheheheh... oh yea. eh... but that's *MAI*sura...
*LOL*
adik...
abang ader 3 kawan nih... so abang is don corleone...
ahuh
and he *points to buddy* is don vito...
ahuh...?
and this last guy... we call him DON REMEMBER... becos he's always forgetting
everything!
*LOL*
he goes to the doctor for his memory loss... the doc gives him his pills...
then he comes home and looks at them and he goes "eh nanti... nih untuk
aper ar??"
*LOL some more!*
abang... you're so.... DAMN CORNY!!!
adik... i've always been corny... ekhekhekhe...
fai makes me miss impian, and our indestructable team :-)
tuesday february 10th 1405 hours
yes baby, i know it's a sorry state of affairs. i've had it happen to us before. i wish i could help, but i'm almost always penniless myself...
don't give up on maddy. like you said, she's a giveaway so it doesn't make a diff. and you've prolly paid for her stay this month anyway. i don't know luv... why do things seem to crash on your payday? it's like well-timed pauses throughout the rest of the month... and then finales with resounding clash in and around the 7th. it's sick. i'm sick of it for you.
i'm suspecting some things need to be unfolded and laid out for some kind of resolution. so go talk to papa, luv.
0152 hours
i jus read sha's entry about the zoo, which i had completely overlooked. and i feel warm and fuzzy now (or it could very well be the gorgeous westside weather). babes there was nothing impressive about me. you were AM's backbone. without you, "eh mummy, daddy, malek ngan bebudak dia bleh blah lah! eh blah! blah blah blah!" *lol... * oh and you know wot? we ARE tight :-)
btw, before you guys lumber off to the zoo again with taufik in tow, remember first to make jamal sign black and whites in committment that he will not run, mysteriously disappear, or suddenly engage himself in duties professional or otherwise, should the toddler be struck by the slightest of distress. and grab balls of change. you might need lots of ice cream. all that said and done... korang cute kan?? feeling couple kawin2! *LOL* *cowers and squeaks!* ok! ok! don't maul me!
on personal fronts, i am back to eating habits of highly frightening frequencies. i've not had my nicotine for more than 48 hours now, so this is my unconscious withdrawal. if i carry on like this i shall morph into michelin marshmallow - walking, talking and bigger than life. with hair. how quaint. i'm halfway there anyway, since kimmy, in his gestures of affection for me, already thinks likewise. *siGh*
didi, i hope that persistent dilemma which has etched solutions for itself, remains resolved :-P
baby tonight the weather taunts me. please... may i climb in?
monday february 9th 2356 hours
in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make - olivia harrison, 46th grammys
sunday february 8th 2312 hours
it's in all nostalgic pleasantries re-discovering old logs which, for transparent reasons then, had to be stashed and buried. it's natural progression that it gets unfortunately forgotten for awhile. i don't know how appropriate this would be, but i think i've exercised truly more than enough self-censure than i would care to anymore. so here's to august and september 2003
uhms. well ok. it's better than shopping cart and skateboard put together. *lol*
|
1939 hours
i knew the things i needed to change, but i didn't (and still don't) know where this place is going visually! so as you can see it's different, but still rather same.
and yes, finally more than mono-interaction, thanks to shoutbox. i could not include it before because i could not be arse-d to learn to maximise my space. something snapped, popped and crackled though today. hmm.
this was in the car with abang fai and his bud. if like me you've had your woman rule most your life, then this goes out to you.
what
it feels like for a girl
madonna
girls
can wear jeans
and cut their hair short
wear shirts and boots
'cause it's OK to be a boy
but for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
'cause you think that being a girl is degrading
but secretly you'd love to know what it's like
wouldn't you?
w hat it feels like for a girl
silky smooth
lips as sweet as candy, baby
tight blue jeans
skin that shows in patches
strong
inside, but you don't know it
good little girls they never show it
when you open up your mouth to speak
could you be a little weak?
do
you know what it feels like for a girl?
do you know what it feels like in this world,
for a girl?
hair
that twirls on finger tips so gently, baby
hands that rest on jutting hips repenting
hurt
that's not supposed to show
and tears that fall when no one knows
when you're trying hard to be your best
could you be a little less?
do
you know what it feels like for a girl?
do you know what it feels like in this world,
for a girl?
strong
inside, but you don't know it
good little girls they never show it
when you open up your mouth to speak
could you be a little weak?
do
you know what it feels like for a girl?
do you know what it feels like in this world,
for a girl?
in
this world
do you know
do you know
do you know what it feels like for a girl?
what it feels like in this world?
0719 hours
three words - i. love. surprises. so "baby get ready. we'll be there in half an hour." spelt more of magical minutes with you. and as night wore on so did the magic, which stretched to accomodate and in the last hour, then wrapped itself around us. i'm enamoured with you all over again.
this was love at first sight. making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman). - milan kundera
baby i want those fifteen minutes back... to crawl back into us and share one sleep. chase the grime up at angsana. then luv, let you come home to me. soon.
saturday february 7th 1303 hours
metrosexual
(met.roh.SEK.shoo.ul) n. An urban male with a strong aesthetic sense
who spends a great deal of time and money on his appearance and lifestyle.
—metrosexuality n.
wordspy.com
i first heard about it from fred, and i thought it was another one of his circular lingos for androgyny or wotever he was toying with in those given timeframes, so i hadn't thought to ask.
i saw it again on chat. it became somebody's ident (albeit incomplete). he replied he only used it for fun when i asked him wot it meant. that's answering a question for you.
A
metrosexual, ... is a straight man who styles his hair using three different
products (and actually calls them "products"), loves clothes and the
very act of shopping for them, and describes himself as sensitive and romantic.
In other words, he is a man who seems stereotypically gay except when it comes
to sexual orientation.
—Alexa Hackbarth, "Vanity, Thy Name Is Metrosexual," The Washington
Post, November 17, 2003
wordspy.com
J, that makes you metrosexual through and through *grin*. are you still wearing your hair down? or is it back up? how about your grungy stripes?
i think metrosexuality is the urban male having evolved trying to adapt to social needs that demand conforming to material images. especially in singapore. still, i'm glad there's one lot of us, this whole galoop of generation Ys who prioritise a different kind of fashion - the one that's not label, but philosophy.
hadi,
is that contradiction i smell?
*smirkus maximus* yeaaa...
boy and girl proceed to push thumbs in gesture of camaraderie
wait a minute... *sniffs* why does it smell like contradiction female?
becos it is. i prefer female. it's milder.
YOU'RE WEARING CONTRADICTION FEMALE?? HADIIIIII!!!!
- tang st, friday february 6th, copyrights sha, hadi p.
0108 hours
oh baby... wot have you done to mama? *sigh* *lol*
thursday february 5th 0233 hours
i've been getting all my dates wrong haha! no matter. i'm about to be able to squander father time himself, so i can finally catch up on reading again. yes sha... R.E.A.D.I.N.G *titter*
it shames me to know that i conform to certain assemblies of the spiritually void. it makes me hypocrite. charlatan. everyone's egocentric in varying degrees, even socially defined "altruists" (in fact, altruism itself is highly debatable). so is this a manipulation of faith? the only reason i'm even contemplating this is for pure self indulgence. i dreaded that this might happen. i used to be too proud to stoop what was then imho, so low. but then again, my "prinsiples" were merely euphemisms. i needed to justify my own hypocrisy in the most vain bohemians.
i don't know if i can do it baby. i don't know if i'm ready. are you ready? and if we aren't does that not jeopardise wotever cause i may be endorsing myself belief? i have a mission, but i terribly lack the discipline. to quote an aunt's charismatic magnet, "everything i love is either sinful, illegal or fattening". oh bah.
i was thinking on the way to work, that this is probably the sum of all mama's prayers strung into ropes of such girth, come full circle. oh mama. why are you so fiercely stubborn in your own quiet way.
yesterday was Hisham's 8th anni. february 4th 1996. he was well loved by the one(s) who matter. we should all be so lucky.
baby thank you. so you see? i'm not so determined to leave after all. the present now allays my antsy heart, so that it lulls my sleepy head. the future is a fairytale where you make me feel so queenly (it's these times that you do). it is only our survival in all that lies between. and that is wot scares me.
wednesday february 4rd 0958 hours
i have a full day of logs, and my head numbs instinctively. TGITLDS (Thank God It's The Last Day of Shoots). lol. oh. i'm spacing out so much i'm tripping a little. how nice.
sha, why are our talks always magic? <:-)
baby, i lost the email i wrote last night. half the emails i seem to write back in that office pilgrim to digital oblivions. as summary,
i
have a question for you. if you love someone, when do you get to the point where
enough is enough?
i know this one. you never get to it. wasn't that from a movie?
- bedok, tuesday december 9th
tuesday february 3nd 0707 hours
in your absence... you filled my dreams the whole night.
sunday february 1st 2058 hours
baby thank you for the compliment. the next time i sacrifice meals and sleep chasing deadlines, i'll try not to look it >(
been sprawled on pillows and covers the whole day drifting in and out of morpheus because i've been trying not to have to deal with my calvacading emotions. i do things to myself and to people who care because my anger is a riot that spills off my hands. mama does not learn to take cover until it consumes herself, and you make yourself sit through it. when you seek your escape, so do i seek mine with morpheus. when i wake though, the guilt is formidable.
i do not know how many more sorries that i hand that you will continously accept. i do not want you to have to get to enough, but i do not know the taming of my anger. where does it all come from?
nisa, thank you luv. remember - don't be sorry, just be there :-)
troubled
mind
catie curtis
i've
been getting down
bout all the runnin around
bout all the pushin
and the standin in line
but like my friends say
you gotta do it anyway
and it just gets harder
when you're asked why
and
i'm tired from all the weight
i'm tired of being strong
so won't you come and stay
and let me lay down in your arms
down in your arms
i've
been gettin up early
i've been gettin my coffee
i've been gettin in the car and drivin all over town
talkin to myself
while i'm taking off my seatbelt
some pple don't know how to slow down
and
i'm tired from all the weight
i'm tired of being strong
so won't you come and stay
and let me lay down in your arms
down in your arms
i've
got a troubled...
a troubled mind
and you've got a heart...
a heart so kind
so kind...
so
pack an overnight bag
don't worry bout wot you have
cos if you need something
you can just use mine
and you don't have to promise more than you want to
but if you want to see me
this would be a good time
cos
i'm tired from all the weight
i'm tired of being strong
so won't you come and stay
and let me lay down in your arms
down in your arms...
1222 hours
i don't know why i tear myself apart. it frustrates, nursing this anger, this hate. why am i so angry all the time?
i apologise to anyone who will listen. it's tornadoes of the past again. it comes to embrace while i sit in dejection.