wednesday march 31st 1150 hours

there is something about being march 31st that's just screaming for attention. i knew it was somebody's birthday the moment i was writing it down. and then i remembered - my cuz. she turns 23 today. but she remains boisterous, obnoxious and larger than life.

my ladies & gentlemen still sits on her shelf. he is timeless. he drips sex. no, really. however gay he is. and now he's out with a new one and i'm my usual rapacious self because i'll be pilfering the whole digital lot off someone else. it's almost insane the way that white comes into so much possession of soul. and that voice is silk thread and baby skin. i hope he really is just friends with elton. sensuality should not be compromised with pudge and wigs. forget how rich.

my baby's once again sprawled on his bed, this time languorous from a retching.

monday march 29th 1338 hours

effectively bilingual and its literal translations (over sms no less)
aNa bila payment leh kluar
should be sometime around this week. i'm still waiting for mine too.
speak london tk fahmy lah
??! yea i know it's you fahmy. uhm... payment kluar around this week. i pon tenah tunggu my payment.
ini mcm ckp ok. tapi dari mana nk ambik
dorang post check pada awak.
ok bye take care but dun take drug

*slaps forehead. repeatedly.*

1229 hours

am i designed to remain this petty? to continously demand, to flippantly list? i loathe the lesser attributes of woman. i hate how sensitive we become to the values of time, how calculative, how conniving when we never get enough. is that infinitely woman, or very simply human?

i hate how we try to understand, to be effortless with the callousness of being male but however hard we try in the end the evil that stirs the root of the problem dances itself to ebullience in our hearts anyway. so is that infinitely woman, or very simply human?

and i hate how we are fashioned so immeasurably attached to our emotions, as care-givers, nurses, holders of interminable love, so much so that we are expected to forgive and comfort and anchor all who will ceaselessly find their joys everywhere else but here. so how has our conception as a sex been fair, when all there is that defines every ounce in our being reeks of the sorrow at being continously left behind?

i don't want to be a guy. if it's that difficult being a woman, then i'll take up the challenge.
- didi, the mornings of sunday march 28th

sunday march 28th 1139 hours

i dreamt i was tom cruise, and victorious. we were english soccer, donning the colour of skies... we walked into arenas constructed for gods. we stood on a beach, boots that crunched sand. there was an ocean, also of sky, that stretched beyond us. and surrounding all that were grandstands - magnificent hues of gold and brown, against elevations of empyreans. and we gathered, small and humbled by a glorious crowd. and we sang. i had the song at the tip of my head (just before the shrills of phone that woke me). the whole stadium sang with us. it was just our voices, and theirs. and there was such victory, and such pride. and just as the song ended, i broke away from the team and stumbled forward, into the edges of ocean... and i grinned at the grandstands, and started laughing. i just laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

it goes beyond me how i could've managed such a dream, when there are so many things that weigh heavy in my mind.

i don't remember how that dream feels like anymore. because i woke up to worries, and that dull ache in my chest.

0156 hours

social development observations with didi
module 101

*dramatised expression of disgust* oh look... they're so loving ooooh...
ok stop being a bitter bitch.
i want to be a bitterguord. can?
no. cos you're a bitch. not a guord.

oh look... he's lying on her lap. he should start licking her already *rools eyes*
wot? you mean like cunnilingus?
yea. cunnilingus by the canal.
that would make it... canalingus!

gee. all the couples are out tonight.
hmph. so dependent wan. no life.
annor. look at us. no need boyfriend. saturday night go out with each other.
annor.
*prims hair*
*looks at nails*

all your fault ar! if you hadn't been so insensitive about it, i would've finished the poem.
then go and write lar! you already have the first line wot.
girl, i was 14! that was 10 years ago!
insert
1. mutual pause, 58 macroseconds
2. dawns of revelation, several
3. interjections of disbelief, varied
4. merry peals of resignation

saturday march 27th 1955 hours

i miss you. i really do. it makes me want to cry the miserable hours i'm having to grapple with, with you. it's ridiculous. there's so much of this need to always be where you are. i live for the infinite ease of your cheek with just one stretch of hand, the smell of your skin on the tip of my nose, your fingers locked, tangled and knotted with mine. which is why it's so hard being kept so far apart from you for such tedious values of time. how vile our sorry state of affairs!!!

1418 hours

blue. red.
red. blue.

What is your emo band name? by spiralinghalo
Your band name is: Modest Lemur
You sound like: The Cure
You will be signed to: Jade Tree Records
Your emo lyrics are: "The stars are fading as I pass out into the neverending winter"
Name:
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

0112 hours

mantra for my sanity:
imitation. highest form of flattery.

geezuz.

0009 hours

it was obscene of you, because you had not respect for me, nor trust enough that i'd have understood, which i infinitely did. if you only knew how relentlessly i guarded my affairs, perhaps as unabashedly as you, and how i dogmatize honesty, you'd have realised it was never problem, which would not then have need for such a callous, cowardly "solution".

and tonight. tonight you come with gall enough to ask if it was me. how would it matter if it was? you would not have extended the courtesy that was never your fashion to come up and say hi anyway, even as the girlfriend i was with was someone you professed enamoury for at some point in school, then some few years later a similar for me. so how would it matter?

then your bruised ego tells me I don't matter? insert newsflash: and i give a fuck? you disappeared all those years ago, then you return to vanish again having had in the process justified all you claim to live by... so wot if it was me all those tables away? nothing makes a difference. not with you. because i don't matter!

baby, i'm really sorry... we'll discourse it tomorrow. gnite, and i luv you.

friday march 26th 1714 hours
because one singular line from these stanzas brought me all that way back.

fallen
sarah mclachlan

heaven bent to take my hand
and lead me through the fire
be the long awaited answer
to a long and painful fight
truth be told I tried my best
but somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
but the cost was so much more than I could bear

though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
better I should know
so don't come round here and
tell me I told you so

we all begin with good intent
when love was raw and young
we believe that we can change ourselves
the past can be undone
but we carry on our back
the burden time always reveals
in the lonely light of morning
in the wound that would not heal
it's the bitter taste of losing everything
that I've held so dear

I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
better I should know
so don't come round here and
tell me I told you so

heaven bent to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
to everyone I know
oh they turn their heads embarrassed
pretend that they don't see
that it's one mis-step, one slip before you know it
and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
better I should know
so don't come round here and
tell me I told you so
oh... I messed up
better I should know
so don't come round here and
tell me I told you so

1117 hours

there are images of myself that float constantly in my head, and i'm wondering why this transposition. am i only catching up? i used to pronounce a principle for most of everything (mostly to myself though), as if to justify my alienation to the trends of inner circles. so perhaps i'm catching up after all.

nin, cosmic love calls for strength, and a lot of choice. you realise that we can all let go. it's a little harder though when it's something so tangible... because his diameters, his frame, all his dimensions become so much a part of you. but you nin, east of the sun, and him the west of moon... there are supernovas of landscapes and continents of time that laugh in your faces. the smell of your east west and all his kisses - they've receeded into memory. how much more resolutely will you grapple at that?

will he pull himself to life, struggle out of your dreams? will he stop his drifting, will he find the anchor that's you? these acts in themselves are immaterial, but as all women duly know it's thought that weigh all bearing. would it be wrong to expect such monumental deliberations? would it be wrong to expect even? luv, you know you need your fences where you draw your lines, your post where you seek your north. because you cannot keep walking without resolution. you know it is matter of choice.

or have you already made yours?

postscript: i'm sending my biggest hugs to my persian pussy. odd how we're all in need almost always in the same times.

thursday march 24th 1554 hours
i miss you
incubus

to see you when i wake up
is a gift i didn't think could be real
to know that you feel the same as i do
is a three-fold utopian dream

you do something to me
that i can't explain
so would i be out of line
if i said i miss you?

i see your picture, i smell your skin
on the empty pillow next to mine
you have only been gone ten days
but already i'm wasting away

i know i'll see you again
whether far or soon
but i need you to know
that i care

and i miss you

wednesday march 24th 1415 hours
An introspection of sounds

2003
Kasih Jangan Kau Pergi
Bunga
Wajahmu selalu terbayang dalam setiap angan yang tak pernah bisa hilang, walau sekejap Ingin selalu dekat denganmu, enggan hati berpisah Larut dalam dekapanmu setiap saat... setiap saat... Oh kasih, janganlah pergi Tetaplah kau selalu di sini Jangan biarkan diriku sendiri larut di dalam sepi... Oh kasih, janganlah pergi Tetaplah kau selalu di sini Jangan biarkan diriku sendiri larut di dalam sepi, larut di dalam sepi... Oh... Kasih jangan kau pergi Terlelap dalam belaianmu Takkan pernah ku lepas Biarlah diriku kau manja dalam pelukan yang mulai setiap gerakanmu, membuatku selalu rindu Kukucup lembut bibirmu, ku sayang pada mu ku sayang pada mu... Oh kasih, janganlah pergi Tetaplah kau selalu di sini Jangan biarkan diriku sendiri larut di dalam sepi Kasih, janganlah pergi Tetaplah kau selalu di sini Jangan biarkan diriku sendiri larut di dalam sepi, larut di dalam sepi... Oh... Kasih jangan kau pergi...

2002
Underneath It all
No Doubt
There's times when I want something more, someone more like me There's times when this dress rehearsal seems incomplete But you see the colours in me like no one else, and behind your dark glasses you're, you're something else You're really lovely underneath it all And you want to love me underneath it all I'm really lucky underneath it all You're really lovely You know some real bad tricks and you need some discipline But lately you've been trying real hard in giving me your best And you give me the most gorgeous sleep that I've ever had And when it's really bad, I guess it's not that bad You're really lovely underneath it all And you want to love me underneath it all I'm really lucky underneath it all You're really lovely So many moons that we have seen, stumbling back next to me I've seen right through and underneath, and you make me better I've seen right through and underneath, and you make me better...

2002
Grand Love Theme
Kid Loco

2000
Ice Cream
Sarah Mclachlan
Your love is better than ice cream Better than anything else that I've tried Your love is better than ice cream Everyone here knows how to cry And it's a long way down It's a long way down It's a long way down to the place where we started from Your love is better than chocolate Better than anything else that I've tried All love is better than chocolate Everyone here knows how to fight And it's a long way down It's a long way down It's a long way down to the place where we started from

1998
Gerimis Mengundang
Slam
Ku sangkakan panas berpanjangan Rupanya gerimis, rupanya gerimis mengundang... Dalam tak sedar ku kebasahan Pernah juga kau pinta perpisahan Aku sangkakan itu hanyalah gurauan Nyata kau serius dalam senyuman Bukan sekejap dengan mu Bukan mainan hasrat ku Engkau pun tahu niat ku tulus dan suci... Senang benar kau ucapkan, kau anggap itu suratan Sikit pun riak wajah mu tiada terkilan Hanya aku separuh nyawa menahan sebak di dada Sedangkan kau bersahaja berlalu tanpa kata Terasa diri amat terhina kau lakukan... Sia-sia ku korban selama ini Jika kasih ku, jika cinta ku kau guris... Dalam tak sedar ku menangis

1997
Crash Into Me
Dave Mathews
You've got your ball, you've got your chain tied to me tight, tie me up again Who's got their claws in you, my friend? Into your heart I'll beat again Sweet like candy to my soul, Sweet you rock and sweet you roll Lost for you, I'm so lost for you Oh and you come crash into me And I come into you And I come into you, in a boy's dream... And touch your lips just so I know in your eyes, love it glows so I'm bare boned and crazy for you... Oh and you come crash into me, yea baby Please come crash into me... in a boy's dream Oh if I've gone overboard, then I'm begging you to forgive me Oh in my haste, oh now I'm holding you so girl, close to me And you come crash into me, yea baby... And I come into you Oh hike up your skirt a little more... and show it all to me Hike up your skirt a little more and show the world to me in a boy's dream... I watch you there through your window, and I stare at you wear nothing, but you wear it so well Tied up and twisted the way I'd like to be for you, for me Come crash into me oh yea... Come crash into me baby... Crash into me...

1012 hours

i am forgetting to eat again. i'll remember that i did (forget) when my middle feels empty. and still i don't eat. the ends are always culture shocks. you struggle to string together the logic of your time now. before = no time vs after = too much. and then your psyche inevitably identifies a non-existence of time on your hands with the attributes of a career, which obviously mean the absence of that ridiculous amount of activity starts signifying a dysfunctionality to life. your life. so that's when you depress.

i've appointments with my gorgeous persian pussy tonight, but it's a whole age away. i'd like to curl back in to bed but i've gone and given myself a copious amount of thinking to do. i never get to sleep in this state. i'm wishing for plastic bottles of fume and the stupidity they induce. because anywhere else is better than here.

tuesday march 23rd 2233 hours

colours and stripes and spoogles are this season and everywhere we looked i am reminded of nin and her debbies. electro is crawling its tacky way back into this age and i'm feeling its studded grips on my arms. i am getting myself a mini and a pair of the ONLY indigenous sneaks worthy of time, that sit agelessly in their own leagues. and i tripped over frames composed for my angulars so don't shy next time you see me and i'm all symmetry.

1450 hours

i am drying my hair, and the fan blows it right back to my face. and i am smiling. because my wet scalp and the way it smells reminds me so explicitly of you.

1214 hours

i'm having chocolate for breakfast and it's giving me anxiety attacks because it's handing me bite-sized reality checks that my period for recovery is running out. i cannot keep demanding "recuperation" because i AM recuperated! i am effectively unemployed again and i need to plunge into the race again. this makes me nervous, as the chocolate that courses through my blood never mixes, only lubricates. i am hyper, and i need to douse this energy.

monday march 22nd 1839 hours


a personal favourite. the whole entourage captured without focus, and without flash. you can view them all here.

1104 hours

i read some things that should've otherwise speared into me. but they did not. i am dull. and i wonder about my indifference. i loathe being public preoccupation. and i'm wondering wot it was i did that would've spurned so much of this hate process. am i that revulsive? why? simple rhetorics. because i'm not the one who needs the answer.

i miss didi. it's been a ridiculous age since our last cup. i went through her last drama with her over sms and phone. wot kind of bestfriend does that make me? might positively still be "best" to her, but i think i've always been very much subjectively "friend". *siGh*

i see sha's had a whambam week. i am glad for her. there's still so much i'd love to catch, like lost and mystic river. i've given up all hope for irreversible, unless someone works his usual magic. but that might not happen for a while now.

i am looking at my nails, luv. your masterpieces - my jagged lil blues and its rivulets of stars, they're all chipped and worn. i had to scrub the hateful dishes at tk yesterday because the apartment loses its lease today. i don't know who's bringing back wot, and i'm glad i won't be around for that.

0217 hours

something for the kids.

i gave up waiting for this some while ago. and when i remembered to again it is there! erda i hope you don't mind my pulling it off like this! fen's a giveaway. no, i don't know wot that face was all about. none of anything you see here is the vodka, i don't think (as hard as that might be to fathom). except my baby's peachy shade.

why's papa so red?
well uncle fred kissed him. so he blushed.
*pause* oh.

saturday march 20th 2136 hours

would you like to know why my despondence took me away from you for a few minutes last night? i was consumed in my surrender, soaked to my bone in our intensity, but in your urgency you withdrew so completely, pushed me away so forcefully, that it left me feeling copiously abandoned... i was reeling from the shock, then depressed from (what was to me) a high personification of rejection.

no, of course i know it was not your intent. it is so fully woman, so much a part of our inevitable cycle of heartbreaks, this being so full with you in one moment, so immersed, so intensedly whole... then so forcibly rejected. baby have you known yet how much of myself i give to you in each of these declarations? it's been such an exhaustive expanse of late. so when you push me away like that, all of me in myself that i surround you with is left in vacuum, so abruptly empty in your absence.

it has been so long since i've been brought this depth of involvement, but last night was the first time for me that the issue extends beyond the physical - the whole of it became so infinitely emotional for me, because i've allowed so much of myself bare, all of me vulnerable to you. which was why it hurt the way it did. i just wanted you to know.

1924 hours

despair is when you walk away, and are allowed to. when there is not one stretch of hand that implores you to stay. and you walk up electric stairs and onto the platform and you turn around and he is not there. so you stand where you are fighting back tears, a battle with pride as opinionated as yourself. then through relent you run back down, excusing yourself through rush hour, knowing rightly well the odds that are that he still stands there, the odds of finding him again.

your search carries you through a hateful eastern crowd, public that stare because your eyes are wet. it carries you through weekend families of the neighbourhood mall, your heart pounding through a chest that hopes for that face - from afar so you may run to him, or from behind the way it does when things are sunshine... finding each other the way you both did five full months ago. why this complexity only now?? you see red caps everywhere, seas of them floating in the crowd. not fucking one that match the face. so your heart crashes against walls. over and over.

so many people, and none of them love.

you succumb to exhaustion, give way to remorse. you sit on a grungy step working the lighter. you've never finished nicotine so fast. and all through that cigarette your mind sits with him, wherever he was. most certainly not with you.

until you will yourself through the gantry again, and pull yourself away. because you know you won't see him again. not today again, of all days.

all the way home you are empty.

You are in a field of flowers.
You are very intelligent and would like others
around you to be the same. Even though you may
not know it sometimes people feel inferior
around you because of your smarts. You desire a
relationship but if it is someone who couldn't
graduate you would probably dump him by the
second day. You try to fit in with people and
truly desire to be popular but people won't
accept you. They think you are too smart to be
around you. Don't worry they want to have the
same smarts as you. Sometimes you wish you
weren't so smart so you could fit in but don't
worry that special someone will find you and
everyone you hated for leaving you out won't
even matter anymore.Every girl who knows how to
play makeup and hair knows with some work you
would be the prettiest at school or work. But
don't think about that you don't need to be
materialistic if you don't want any guy who
isn't shallow and knows a thing or two knows
you are the most attractive girl in your school
or job.

Where are you truly? (Beautiful Pics coming soon-Some already here!)
brought to you by Quizilla

SteelWings
You have wings of STEEL. No one's really
sure why, but at this point in your life you've
shut off emotion to the point of extreme
apathy. You are cold and indifferent much of
the time...or perhaps you're just a good
pretender. Next to impossible to get close to,
even those who do never see the real you. It's
entirely possible that YOU don't even know the
real you. You have a certain fascination or
attraction to destruction on a massive scale -
disasters, perhaps even death or the concept of
the Apocalypse. Because you hold so much
inside, one day you're simply going to snap.
Then the mask will fall away, and your true
wings will be revealed. Until then you will
deal with whatever comes your way in icy bitter
silence and acceptance. On the positive side,
you are fearless and immeasurably strong - not
much can crack through your defenses. You
intrigue people, who can't help but wonder why
you're the way you are. A loner and one who
spends much of their time brooding and
contemplating life and death - you are a time
bomb waiting to explode and create some
destruction of your own.

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla  

thursday march 18th 0413 hours

we've approached the last leg of the lap. i do not know whether to even bother with morpheus. with my miserable portions of time he'll only send forth his giggles. i've only 3 hours.

i hate action movies, but i love fight sequences - observing choreography, and then the whole play. it was warm rushes of blood. shafiee and his boys were good, i'm glad they had fun. i think monday night at hougang with all the skin stockings, and the bikes of tonight more than made up for their dull weekend. even then they got to karaoke. geezuz.

it is one last day of more martial lore before the journey ends.

verbal calligraphies of the indonesian
1. yew arhh verrie roode!
2. wat time iz it? o'clock o'clock!
3. wot??
4. wai yew so capek?
5. biadap! budak biadap! siapa biadap? kamu biadap!
6. lu rriiiilek sua!!
7. (versi singapur) lu rriiilek wan kawnerrr sua!!!
8. (versi indonesia) lu rriiilek wan kawnek sua!!!
9. macam ye-ye ajerrr!

monday march 15th 1021 hours

i can hardly contain it, luv.
i can hardly contain it - luv. for you.
we approach a time where magic for most would have already expired. but mine still runs. in my blood and into my heart, still trembling at thoughts of you.

even now.

why, luv? it is minefields inside my ribs. was mine fashioned from one of yours? is that why i've found home?

you swim into me, and over me, kisses that knot in the strands of my hair. your hands on my belly, your breaths in my ear. i carry all of you in all of me. every single day. and i can hardly contain it, luv. i can hardly contain it - luv for you. it pounds on doors in my ribs. it is overwhelming.

baby, it has become a need - this ache to come home to you.

i wrote an email to fen yesterday, about the mice that play while the cat's been away. i told him, as i'm telling you now. my hate, for people's hate will keep me grounded.

this physical, mental lethargy is scheduled to end by thursday. please thursday. i miss morpheus and his legions.

monday march 8th 0703 hours

i had time to kill so i walked in to borders and started picking some paperbacks off some shelves and i really did intend to pay for them. until i walked in on a bride stripped bare, curiously composed by anonymous.

it's exceptionally honest. little wonder so since it was fashioned as diary of a woman who's supposedly vanished, and presumed dead. it is denial and complacence, trust then disillusionment, and sexual awakenings. all this within and away from a marriage.

i am disappointed though later to learn, that anonymous never left her car by a cliff to vanish. and that afterwards, it was not her mother who had sent her manuscript to the publisher's. but i love her prose. they bring me the plush of familiarity. her writing that is, not her subjects. i have never been married.

by. wot was last night all about?

sunday march 7th 0935 hours

standups of sani and khai (or cher whichever you prefer)
1.
eh so tell me lah... she popular actress or not?
populaaaarrrr....! she zhang ziyi!
*lol*
ar. then i like tony leung like that lah!
ar. then i a bit older. so i chow yun fatt.

2.
wah. saturday night also you all work ar?
ya lor. saturday night we work.
*pause*
at hard rock!!!

3.
then you got act wot?
orh. last time i go audition. the wong fei hong wan.
ar. but he never get. becos he muslim. cannot drink.

i used to have a crush on sani back when he was in soldadu. his orient aesthetics make him exclusive. he looked like quiet dispositions, but he's really a theatre of comedy. and his sister is gorgeous. like paper cut-out of mills and boon.

thursday march 4th 0337 hours

i am tired. all the time i'm on project i find myself weighing profit and loss. why do i subject myself to this?

i do not have time. always when i make such commitments the real price i pay for it is time. precious hours. running around. accomodating to the lounging of others.

it is a mental drain. i often wonder how i survived impian. it was 6 weeks of repetitive stress. it was a constant juggle of locations, props, talents and conti. work that was average for 10 people, spread over exceedingly thin with 3. wot was that worth? all that money is spent (not that it was ever much to begin with) which only leaves me with pictures. in my head. of how hard i had tried to please fai. of how painfully clueless i was on set.

and at the end of it, i lost farhan.

i can't do this again. i won't. fen tells me i keep coming back to this because it is where my heart is. no, luv. it's because it's the only thing i own of my threadbare professional schooling. wot else can i do? i'm still crawling in the basin of this hierarchy. but i am somewhere i do not want to be.

do you like wot you do? and should you not, where do you draw the line? i am sick of obligations. i want to be passionate.

nisa. no. you will never truly know anyone. but in entering an emotional commitment you essentially entrust yourself in one person's care. you cannot completely love without trust. it is the water of an ocean you float in. it threatens to drown. if you lay still it becomes backbone. and it is unconscious. it may backfire. or it may not. but when it does not, and when it continues not to... then that person is for you. wot is left when there is love and trust? only one place that belongs to two. only two.

tuesday march 2nd 0043 hours

this one is for you. as that hour was for us.
its beauty was intensed. it threatened to defeat me. i know you felt it too. but had you known that i nearly cried? :) i saw so many things in that one fleeting hour, and they all laid claim on me. it was overwhelming. and it was amazing. oh baby i wanted to stay that way too. wrapped around you, curled into you, enormously small and unfolded in your arms. joined. one. you have fashioned me indomitable. there is nowhere i cannot go now that this part of you's with me.

i love you. this really feels right.

postscript:
this brought me back.
how do u let go of somtin u were so sure was meant for u?
- nin, february 27th